A Review of the Literature
Do you ever wonder what kind of scientific data your health care professionals rely on? Well, here's a fictional sample of how drug literature reads.
Abstract: The use of ancellinide is very controversial. However, the extent of controversy is unknown. Expert panels have agreed the drug has an effectiveness rate of approximately 13-79% in patients aged 3-87 who take ancellinide while simultaneously smoking lighted sticks of dynamite and doing a headstand on a bed of nails. An analysis of the data from clinical trials indicates that the drug may or may not be useful for unknown conditions and may or may not be a drug of choice.
Ancellinide is an acidic or basic drug whose pKa ranges from 0.03-90334323.6. The drug was discovered by accident when an organic chemistry student was supposed to do a thin-layer chromatography of a chemical and, instead of properly mixing his solvent, obtained the solvent out of the "waste container". Since then, it has earned the distinction of "The Mystery Drug" since no one knows what the heck it is or how to synthesize it. It has been used in a wide variety of conditions including congestive heart failure, gastroesophageal reflux disease, asthma, and jet lag. It is unclear whether the drug was used to induce, prevent, or stabilize these conditions.
The first clinical trial of this drug was performed in men over the age of 50 who presented with symptoms of GERD by Kaboom Drug Company, a competitor of CDA, the company that makes ancellinide. The trial had to be stopped prematurely because 80% of the subjects experienced spontaneous combustion, supposedly due to a reaction of ancellinide with the hydrochloric acid of the patients' stomachs. However, an anonymous informant suggested that the drug given to the experimental group was contaminated with gun powder, and this may be a source of error in the study. However, there have been no randomized, placebo-controlled trials to date demonstrating the effect of gun powder in human beings.
The second notable clinical trial of ancellinide had to do with the effects of the drug on the combination of conditions of congestive heart failure, jet lag, and asthma in middle aged women who regularly did headstands on concrete streets. Between 43-97% of the experimental group showed only mild signs of congestive heart failure, jet lag, and asthma after having taken ancellinide. The clinician concluded that the drug may or may not have been effective in these disorders, depending on the intended goal of therapy. The fact that none of the patients had the disorders or any signs or risk factors of the disorders prior to the treatment with ancellinide makes the possible use of the conclusion of the study unclear. It has been suggested that doing a headstand on a bed of nails instead of concrete may improve or reduce the efficacy of the drug.
Conclusion: After having analyzed the evidence, we conclude that ancellinide either improves, worsens, or has no effect on the conditions of asthma, jet lag, congestive heart failure, and/or gastroesophageal reflux disease. Due to the fact that strong conclusions are often considered evidence of bias in clinical trials, we have come to the standard conclusion that further studies are be needed to determine whether the drug will become the drug of choice for this or other remedies. On a side note, a recent study conducted last week suggested that ancellinide might not even exist. However, it is unclear whether or not the existence of a drug is a factor determining efficacy as no clinical trials have been performed to date with nonexistent drugs.